When you finally realise that one more day, or any longer, in your current life just can’t happen, you have arrived. Arrived at what?
It feels like a bottomless pit, life currently is horrific, hard, and painful. But this is really your opportunity, it might come again but if this doesn’t jolt you, you need to find the deeper reasons why. They’ll exist, you don’t ever do something for free, even live as you hate. Either take to changing or consider this might be how life will play out for you. If there’s hardcore resistance, find it.
The simple truth is you don’t want to live as you are anymore. You hate who you’re being and desperately wish to live who you’re meant to be right now. You want to jump from one world to another, situation resolved, with zero reference to the person you escaped.
This seems like a doable task except for one, often missed, detail that holds critical weight: are you capable of embodying the new you? If not, and women rarely are, you may end up an equally just different bad place.
There are five things going on, provoking much feeling, and none are easy to experience, and this post is about the first, but each reflect your life and predicament. As all five reveal to you, you’re bound to feel worse, but I know of no other way.
How to be you?
You’ve made a habit of being someone else, and you’ve lost the connection to who you truly are. You clumsily assumed you could revert back at anytime.
You were wrong.
She was left, slighted, and remains rightfully hurt, angry, and distrusting. (She won’t just respond to you because you ask, it’s not just about your current reality. She knows you are only back because being someone else failed spectacularly for you. Demonstrate empathy and understanding for what she too missed out on along with acknowledgement and recompense.)
And now, you’re shocked to realise that you’re false, lonely, and painfully, truly alone. No one can help you, so what do you do?
As unbearable as it feels to sit in your own body and current life right now, you must sit. You can’t exit or bolt from your physical self. To stay is the hardest part, but it’s not permanent, just a temporary lag. Accept it.
First, you need to need to give up who you’ve been.
This is gut-wrenching, mind-shatteringly tough, you’re turning off your only friend, the only person who knows you and has stood by you through it all, never once wavered. Your gratitude and loyalty to her runs deep, and so does her influence, many, many women miss this point. Admire and appreciate her but remember only one of you can live, your tie to her must dissolve. Detach from the emotion and accept that it’s a hard battle. There’s no way to make it less painful.
Your history reflects failure, distrust, and incapability. And there’s some comfort in things left untried and undone, because they mean you don’t have to witness another failure. They can always be some wild and tantalising fortune you have yet to procure. That beautiful, gratifying life that is wholly yours? It’s way too high a stake, so instead, you accept the drudgery of today.
There are only two choices before you: use the knowledge you have to make a change or write yourself off altogether. You’re here, reading this, so chances are, the former calls you now.
This is how to do it:
Revisit the time you walked away from yourself. Even if you can’t pinpoint the time, it might not have been a conscious decision, or what you thought you were starting, you will know you became someone. Then apologise with an honest heart for believing you weren’t good enough.
Admit why you’re returning, being someone else was an abysmal choice and experience, you’re not returning to her for her, to meet her, or so her life can begin. Just because you realise you were mistaken, so expect and respect the rebuke and condemnation from inside.
Be patient. You’ll have to coax her out because she doesn’t trust you. She’s hurt, angry she has missed out, and is under-developed and immature like you, and it’s your fault not hers. Although you may know what you’re capable of, she is not the polished, savvy version you foresee for yourself. You will not emerge that way, end that fantasy.
Give her time and accept her embarrassing behaviours, expressions, and remarks, she’ll slip. But her out of innocence, you out of error. Extend and approach her with compassion always, and hold to your promises to her.
You can’t outright reject the person you’re being right now and be successful with it. This current life you hold will be with you for a while, there’ll be a lag. Seeking to expunge yourself, escape, or run from it, can’t happen. You are just responding to anxiety and imbalance through overcompensation.
Never again is not a solution, i.e. of a behaviour, drinking, eating. It’s a devious, dangerous trap. You must be able to simultaneously contain who you are, you have to accept your duality, who you’ve been and who you want to be, and who you are at the same time. You can’t reject a part of you.
This is hard. Each one of you is a connection to your past, future, and present. It’s a monumental hold in a place you don’t want to be. Your future self, although never real, never attainable, is at play here, because of the promise she holds, you finally real and in effect.
There is emptiness, but also pain, which signals that you’re not dead. You can only get closer or be buried so far away.