And it is the most complex one. The emotional conflict it evokes is almost too much to bear. She is her own closest companion yet misunderstands the fierce hatred. She can’t let either go. Both good and bad prompted and arose from the creation of her manufactured self. This person can’t be released because Jane depends on her for survival and that trumps any hostility.
Jane may claim that she hates having to be someone else; but she doesn’t, not really. The false part of her is well practiced. She thinks hearing her voice, laugh, and behaviours acting out this other person makes her cringe, but it’s not. It’s hearing her own self reminding Jane who is buried and she can’t reach that hurts like a sad memory.
But she hates too, the role she must play to keep this person alive. It makes her look and act dumb, operating from this lower-order self. It’s a forced and contrived response to life, and the more she enacts it, the more she wears it. But the false-self medium tricks her self-perception, Jane has lost objectivity. That puppet is not her real self nor her real life.
For Jane, the role has become so habitual that nearly all of her past actions were presented via her false interface.
All the time, she’s been trying to bend the wrong life into the right shape. Stunted development and maturity, no ability to relate and grow and expand from her experiences, as other people do, Jane has lived on hold. Preserved inside her ‘house’ for forty years.
Jane doesn’t understand herself and without that grounding, she has no one to be, and because she’s not intentionally wanting and trying to be her manufactured self, even that identity remains undeveloped, shallow, lacking the charm that comes with personality.
Inner alienation is difficult to bear.
Jane is aware of how much she doesn’t know and can’t begin to understand about her life. What set of actions, thought, and speech would reflect her true feelings? She doesn’t know. Jane wants to manage her own agenda without carrying another person as well, she wants to try going her own way, see if she can unlock and utilise her capability if she goes with and tries as her self.
Jane is partially duped into believing that she doesn’t care for the person she is being by the outcomes of her life and other peoples response to her. She behaves in reckless, outrageous ways that coincides with and supports that, and allows her to carry that belief with certainty. The manufactured self is responsible for her shame and discontent. Once she closes the gap between that person and who she really is, then everything will be okay, so she believes.
But she’s paralysed, unable to align those two selves and gain control of her life. She’s filled with contempt for who she pretends to be but can’t change because she can’t see the connection.
Change doesn’t happen outside of oneself.
The change will happen within when Jane is able to make hard choices about who she is and when she can see that her outside world and the opinions others hold are reflections of how she feels about herself, not her false self. She inflicts the worst of those criticisms and is misguided offloading them.
Once she commits herself to swimming through those choppy, shark-infested waters of self-confrontation, looks herself in the eye, and acknowledges what she has long held will she gain the insight and direction she requires.